Thursday, July 7, 2011
Out of Control
I'm going through an emotional situation. Wow, that sounds so cold and is like the understatement of the year. My heart hurts, badly. I think that sounds slightly more fitting. I feel lost. I feel sad. I'm angry. But, I'm hopeful.
Two days ago my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's difficult for me to write about because I do not want any words of my feelings or anything that I share to hurt her heart anymore than it's already hurting from receiving such a diagnosis. This isn't gloom and doom. We know she will fight and we know she will be well again - we HAVE to believe that. But, that doesn't change the fact that her life is about to flip complete upside down with surgeries, possible radiation, possible chemotherapy . . . it's going to be rough! (to say the very least)
As a food addict, my first response, of course, has been to comfort myself with food. Even after being in a healthy lifestyle for over a year, my first reaction was to run and get a dozen doughnuts. I didn't eat them alone, but I had my fair share. After her biopsy today, it was fried food and chocolate cake. I know I've now spiraled out of control because I'm now facing a situation that is COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL.
I have to control what I can, which means, I have to, I absolutely have to, get back on track. I cannot allow this addiction to take full hold of me again, in the time that I am most vulnerable. I will not be of any help to my mother if I gain back 50lbs (and more).
If I could have made it to a meeting today, I would have gone. Fortunately, I do have my Weight Watcher's meeting friends in a group on Facebook and I've posted about my binging. They will hold me accountable for attending my meeting and I will be there.
I need to be on plan more now than ever. I know this. So, with every ounce of energy I have, I will control what I can in this situation - my lifestyle, my disease, my addiction and in turn, I will be there for my mom.
When the world starts caving in around you - hold on to the things that can be the same. THIS can be the same.
By the way, the consumption of doughnuts and chocolate cake did not make my mother's cancer go away nor did it make me feel any better. If anything, it made my stomach hurt (crap food tends to do that now that my body is used to good foods) and I had a nice helping of guilt to boot. No more of that crap. Moving on.
Sometimes these posts are self-talk. Sometimes it helps if I put it out there in words as if I type it - it sticks?