Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Struggles

I am struggling. I won't hide it. It seems the last few months it has been blow after blow. It isn't that I don't have the will or the want to do the right things. It isn't that I have a lack of knowledge. It truly is a lack of time.

I know, I know, everyone says they are pressed for time. When I was going to school full time in the evenings and working full time I felt pressed for time. However, even that does not compare to life right now. I feel like I just have to write about all that has taken place. Perhaps having it out there will muster up something deep inside to pull out of this dark place I feel I'm in right now.

The beginning of the year started off with a bang. My husband had back to back knee surgeries. That consumed much of my mental and physical energy, but we made it through with flying colors and I was doing pretty well. My graduation soon followed. It took a lot of hard work that final semester and it was a joyful but stressful time.

Soon after we received notice of a personal business matter that forced us to make the very difficult decision to seek out an attorney and file bankruptcy. Certainly, in these economic times we aren't the first or last that were faced with looming financial devistation. But, it didn't make it feel any better. We lost our home and moved forward to a better life in truly a better home. So it wasn't all bad.

At the same time, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. At first, we thought it was early, small, all the words you seek out to find comfort in the grave diagnosis. Then reality hit. Her surgery followed. We have been battling with chemo the last few months. Life has been changed and we look forward to "normal" again. Her last chemo is December 30th and once through January we will be finished with hell weeks!

I was diagnosed with diabetes. I seem to have taken the diagnosis a bit harder than I expected. I hate this disease. I'm pissed off that I have worked so hard to change, yet it was too little, too late. I hate that so far I don't have it under control which means I will need more meds. I HATE DIABETES!

In the last two weeks we have had two more blows. We received news that my sixteen year old stepson is going to be a father. Additionally, he hasn't been to school for months. He is now living in our home, is back in school, seeking employment to take care of his new responsibilities, and that feels right, but it doesn't come without its own set of major stresses.

Last night, after 6pm, I received that dreaded call.

"No one is injured."

It was my husband. On his way home, with our three youngest children in the car, a drunk driver hit them as they were getting off a major expressway. Fortunately, no one was injured, but the same cannot be said about our kid mobile. We suspect the minivan is a total loss. We will be surprised if it isn't.

So looking back at all that is going on, I understand why this has been the year of struggle. I understand why I have little energy to plan my meals, get creative I'm the kitchen, drag myself out of the house to make it to my early Sunday meetings. I understand it. I don't excuse it. But with this understanding, perhaps I can come up with a means to not give up. I flounder. I stumble. Hell, I have fallen down a few times. But, each time I manage to keep getting up and keep trying.

Right now, I'm doing the very best I can do. It isn't perfect. I don't see losses each week. In fact, I've been seeing yo-yoing and juggling mostly. But, I'm doing SOMETHING and that is more than the old me would have done.

So, we keep moving on. Eventually the black clouds will pass and if I just keep trying I will eventually do well again.

3 comments:

  1. I am sorry to hear about your troubles. However, I am happy to see that you are not just taking it but are fighting back. The best we can do is get back up again and keep going. Two sayings that I think will help are: "This too shall pass." Everything passes both good and bad. This we can count on. You can make it through. The second one I just used as one of my quotes of the day. This one has been used before in different ways but I like the way Castle said it, "No, failure is giving up.... It's how you handle it that determines where you'll end up." Who we are is how we deal with what is given to us. You are strong and you will make it through. You just have to believe it.

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  2. You've definitely got a lot going on there. Life gets in the way of our achievements at times but seriously, when life hits as hard as its been hitting you, "holding on" is a major achievement and thats what you've had to do in order to keep it together. Sending positive little vibes towards you and your family.

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  3. Facts are facts, you truly have been through some character building challenges. But you keep moving through each thing that comes up. Perhaps at another point in you life you may have turned to food--but you haven't done that. You still have awesome weight loss that you can be proud of. Up and down losses are not ideal, but still better than steadily going up.
    You cannot control what life throws at you. But you can control how you managed through it--and you always are the final decicion maker in what you put on your plate and ultimately in your mouth.
    In regard to diabetes--I believe that it can be reversed. But I also know that stress can be a major road block and right now you have plenty of stress and the cortisol that goes with it. You will have victory in this area. It will just take a little longer. Keep making right food choices, keep exercising,keep loving yourself--you are worth it.
    I'm going to tell you something that you told me when I was going through my own health scare. You told me to look forward to the time when I could tell the story of how sick, I was and how scared I was and how I came through OK.
    I still have my health issues, but that particular dark time is behind me. I have to be hypervigilant in making sure that the LPR doesn't turn into something more concerning. For now its manageble. 10 months ago, I could not imagine myself saying what I just did.
    So, you see, you were right. I did get to the point where I could relate the story as something that just happened to me in the past tense.
    So, my friend. I wish you much peace in your heart-I hope that you look to the New Year with hope and expectation--and that this time next year, you will have chalked 2011 as one of those years that although filled with challenges and matters of life and death--you came through triumphant. Your children will have learned valuable life lessons as well. No matter how young, they sense things, and they watch you all the time. You are showing them that a victorious life is more about attitude than circustances.
    Big hugs for you and your family, my friend.

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