I am struggling. I won't hide it. It seems the last few months it has been blow after blow. It isn't that I don't have the will or the want to do the right things. It isn't that I have a lack of knowledge. It truly is a lack of time.
I know, I know, everyone says they are pressed for time. When I was going to school full time in the evenings and working full time I felt pressed for time. However, even that does not compare to life right now. I feel like I just have to write about all that has taken place. Perhaps having it out there will muster up something deep inside to pull out of this dark place I feel I'm in right now.
The beginning of the year started off with a bang. My husband had back to back knee surgeries. That consumed much of my mental and physical energy, but we made it through with flying colors and I was doing pretty well. My graduation soon followed. It took a lot of hard work that final semester and it was a joyful but stressful time.
Soon after we received notice of a personal business matter that forced us to make the very difficult decision to seek out an attorney and file bankruptcy. Certainly, in these economic times we aren't the first or last that were faced with looming financial devistation. But, it didn't make it feel any better. We lost our home and moved forward to a better life in truly a better home. So it wasn't all bad.
At the same time, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. At first, we thought it was early, small, all the words you seek out to find comfort in the grave diagnosis. Then reality hit. Her surgery followed. We have been battling with chemo the last few months. Life has been changed and we look forward to "normal" again. Her last chemo is December 30th and once through January we will be finished with hell weeks!
I was diagnosed with diabetes. I seem to have taken the diagnosis a bit harder than I expected. I hate this disease. I'm pissed off that I have worked so hard to change, yet it was too little, too late. I hate that so far I don't have it under control which means I will need more meds. I HATE DIABETES!
In the last two weeks we have had two more blows. We received news that my sixteen year old stepson is going to be a father. Additionally, he hasn't been to school for months. He is now living in our home, is back in school, seeking employment to take care of his new responsibilities, and that feels right, but it doesn't come without its own set of major stresses.
Last night, after 6pm, I received that dreaded call.
"No one is injured."
It was my husband. On his way home, with our three youngest children in the car, a drunk driver hit them as they were getting off a major expressway. Fortunately, no one was injured, but the same cannot be said about our kid mobile. We suspect the minivan is a total loss. We will be surprised if it isn't.
So looking back at all that is going on, I understand why this has been the year of struggle. I understand why I have little energy to plan my meals, get creative I'm the kitchen, drag myself out of the house to make it to my early Sunday meetings. I understand it. I don't excuse it. But with this understanding, perhaps I can come up with a means to not give up. I flounder. I stumble. Hell, I have fallen down a few times. But, each time I manage to keep getting up and keep trying.
Right now, I'm doing the very best I can do. It isn't perfect. I don't see losses each week. In fact, I've been seeing yo-yoing and juggling mostly. But, I'm doing SOMETHING and that is more than the old me would have done.
So, we keep moving on. Eventually the black clouds will pass and if I just keep trying I will eventually do well again.